kyrene: (Maenad with thyrsos)
This whole incident with the books and all reminds me of why I nearly left the Hellenic community for good, and I'm once again questioning why I came back and didn't stay gone.

Basically it comes down to this:

1) I had a lot of people who put me up on a pedestal
2) I had a lot of people who resented me being put up on a pedestal
3) I had a lot of people who resented the people who resented me being put on a pedestal
4) I had a lot of people whom I thought were friends that in actuality just got an ego kick from being my friend, and quickly turned into bitter enemies when they couldn't share the pedestal or quickly discovered that I am in fact human and not whatever strange personage they projected upon me.

I never wanted to be up on a pedestal to begin with. All I had wanted to do from the start was find others like myself who worshipped the Greek gods, and start a "church" for ourselves, for the lack of a better term. It all snowballed from there.

None of the original founders of Hellenion or the veterans of the Hellenic community are around anymore. I can't say that I blame them for not being around, and with the bad apples in the bunch that we have, I wouldn't blame anyone right now for quitting and leaving, going solitary, or both. I happen to know of numerous solitaries who have avoided being involved in the Hellenic community all because they have watched how others act towards me.

I don't know why some people desire fame; fame sucks and it makes your life utterly miserable. I like having my life to myself. You may notice I never really post about my personal life on here, and there's a reason for that--I used to get stalked and harassed by members of my religious community who were searching for "dirt" for their latest tabloid. Ask me sometime about how a vampire online RPG based on a book I have coming out (yes, actually published and not self-published, either!) turned into "Kyrene thinks she's a 200 year old vampire, an Avatar of Apollo, and 'the' Pythia," et cetera. I think just from that sentence alone you'll get what I mean.

Somewhere along the way, I met genuine friends in the community who neither put me up on a pedestal nor resented me because others kept putting me up on one. I had the opportunity to get in touch tonight with a former member of this community--namely, Drew--and we did a quick catching up in the midst of my apologizing for him getting in the middle of this bullshit high school drama. It was a good thing, and like I said in the last post, I wish that it had been under better circumstances.

For people like him who have remained in this community, I have stuck around and tried to find corners of this place worth being involved in. Thus far to my knowledge, Hercules Invictus, Spira, and Dadoukhoi are the only non-drama inducing and generally all round good Hellenic orgs online and off that I have been involved with so far. I wish I could say that there were more. I wish we had more leaders and less followers. But truth be told, we are VERY small and of course are not going to have a lot in the way of varieties and flavors of organizations which have not been poisoned thus far by a bunch of tiara-seeking, histrionic sycophants.

I've been begged on and off again to start another org and I can't help but think to myself, "Why would I want to undergo that torture AGAIN?" I put up with enough shit right now; why put myself back into the spotlight? I gave it up for good reasons. I gave up my religious NAME to get away from all of that shit, from everything that people associated with me as Kyrene, and the whole nine yards.

I don't want to change who I am for these drama-seeking irritants, and I don't want to give up who I am for them, either. It always seems to me that one decision after another in regards to my identity in the religious community has been influenced in some way, shape or form by others in the community--and it shouldn't be. It should be influenced by the nudgings of my gods and my Agathos Daimon who sometimes masks himself as my inner voice of wisdom.

Sometimes it's hard to hear that voice over the noise of the drama, and when I can't hear that voice, I can't be who I truly am. I can only be someone who simply reacts to people around her under such circumstances, and I am not that person.

At some point I need to just sit down with myself and realize that yes, I'm hurt and still hurting. I've been hurt by too many people whom I have long realized only liked the person whom they wanted me to be and not who I really am. I have a list of names in my head who have disappointed, hurt, and even verbally abused me and in spite of my repeated attempts to reconcile continued to fire their venom.

I have no one to blame but myself if I continue to hang onto that, and only myself to blame if I wind up in that situation again as their continued enabler for their own personal drama and petty bullshit. It gives them a power they do not deserve, and in the end, I am no one's person but my own.

I think at some point tonight after I go on my eliptical this evening, I will be doing a serious, hardcore invocation to Dionysos tonight. I need to have a nice, good, long chat with him.
kyrene: (Default)
Drew actually contacted me back, so apparently Julia actually wasn't lying about that. I'm kinda glad because I missed chatting with the guy--but kinda sad because it's a shame he had to contact me under such circumstances.

Basically, I was right--the books WERE given to the Demos. I did not hallucinate about his intentions. But apparently he had sent a letter to the Prutaneis saying that should the Demos dissolve, the books should either go to another Demos or to the national body.

So, that left me with the following choices:

1) Don't give the books back, and deny Drew's wishes in that regard. I think he's suffered enough bullshit and drama without having to revisit this crap again anymore than he honestly has to, and I didn't want to go there.

2) Give the books to Julia.

3) Give the books to another member. The closest one besides Julia is in PA so that was out of the question.

4) Ship the books to someone. Given there are a couple of hundred, not feasible.

5) Rejoin Hellenion and start a proto-Demos, thus keeping the library in the Hellenion sphere. I sincerely doubt they'd accept my app if I did, so that option was out.

6) Get a friend to get the books off of my hands and give them back to Julia, preferably someone with a truck because I don't have small crates to put them in--only large boxes.


#6 won.

I know that many of you won't be happy by this, given the shit that she gave me and the continued "oathbreaker" and "liar" accusations. I'm doing this for Drew, not her. I happen to like Drew and think he got dragged into enough bullshit politics by dealing with this crap ON TOP OF what he dealt with when he left, so call me a compassionate soul.

It was interesting, thinking about rejoining Hellenion for even a few minutes. I'm not sure I would want to go back, nor if I would have anything to gain. I'd like to eventually reconcile with the people there at some point, but I don't think that they have it in them to do so. Julia clearly has issues of her own, as do a few of them there--and those particular individuals are all in positions of leadership.

Maybe the simplest approach is just to not deal with them at all. Personally, after this incident, I'm happier than ever that I left when I did, and I honestly can't believe that two years later I'm still getting dragged into their bullshit. At the same time, I'm also sad because it's a chapter in my life that I had high hopes for--maybe too high. Maybe I expected too much from the wrong kinds of people.
kyrene: (Default)
I took a trip down memory lane. I no longer post to this LJ for a variety of reasons, but from time to time I contemplate reviving it:

http://kyrene.livejournal.com/688184.html

This post outlines very clearly why I left, and why I would not put it past the current leadership to send me a nasty letter over a bunch of books. :/

There's so much shit I should make public about what I know that went down in the leadership that it's not even funny, and none of it particularly good. It's certainly not the org I founded years ago, not by a long shot. :( And I have yet to hear any encouraging news that it's improved by any stretch of the imagination.

People have asked me since to start up a new organization, and I've been working on Dadoukhoi--albeit in a much different vein, working with the idea of a group that exists to provide and share resources to start off with. Given how long it's taken for us to do just that, I have my extreme doubts about forming anything like another Hellenic org anytime soon. All I'll say is this: if the gods want me to, I'll do so. But I think they have other plans for me these days.

Besides, given how I was treated during and after, would I want to? Dear gods.

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Kyrene

September 2010

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