kyrene: (Default)
You're so vain!

You probably think this post is about you, you're so vaaiiinnn....

You probably think this post is about you, don't you, don't you....

Gah.

Jul. 31st, 2008 10:57 am
kyrene: (Default)
How did I manage to get sucked into the whole "is magick Hellenic" conversations yet again?

Is it because tonight is the dark moon? Because we have an eclipse soon? Because clearly I'm not being entertained enough on other emailing lists? I can has a more amusing Intarwebs, y/y?

Maybe it's the mystique, the sheer art of it all, the je ne sais quoi, the whole question of whether or not magick is de rigeur in Hellenismos or perhaps it's that whole "Omgs! I don't want to be lumped in with the neo-pagans/Wiccans/witches/uncool-kids-who-sit-in-the-front-of-the-bus!!!!!111eleventy-one" crap which I find to be so embarrassingly passé.

I'd make paper airplanes loaded with spitballs and fire them away at these people, but I really don't want to get after-school detention.



So, um, about those um, Greek gods. Um, yeah. They're like wicked cool an' stuff. Yeah.
kyrene: (Maenad with thyrsos)
This whole incident with the books and all reminds me of why I nearly left the Hellenic community for good, and I'm once again questioning why I came back and didn't stay gone.

Basically it comes down to this:

1) I had a lot of people who put me up on a pedestal
2) I had a lot of people who resented me being put up on a pedestal
3) I had a lot of people who resented the people who resented me being put on a pedestal
4) I had a lot of people whom I thought were friends that in actuality just got an ego kick from being my friend, and quickly turned into bitter enemies when they couldn't share the pedestal or quickly discovered that I am in fact human and not whatever strange personage they projected upon me.

I never wanted to be up on a pedestal to begin with. All I had wanted to do from the start was find others like myself who worshipped the Greek gods, and start a "church" for ourselves, for the lack of a better term. It all snowballed from there.

None of the original founders of Hellenion or the veterans of the Hellenic community are around anymore. I can't say that I blame them for not being around, and with the bad apples in the bunch that we have, I wouldn't blame anyone right now for quitting and leaving, going solitary, or both. I happen to know of numerous solitaries who have avoided being involved in the Hellenic community all because they have watched how others act towards me.

I don't know why some people desire fame; fame sucks and it makes your life utterly miserable. I like having my life to myself. You may notice I never really post about my personal life on here, and there's a reason for that--I used to get stalked and harassed by members of my religious community who were searching for "dirt" for their latest tabloid. Ask me sometime about how a vampire online RPG based on a book I have coming out (yes, actually published and not self-published, either!) turned into "Kyrene thinks she's a 200 year old vampire, an Avatar of Apollo, and 'the' Pythia," et cetera. I think just from that sentence alone you'll get what I mean.

Somewhere along the way, I met genuine friends in the community who neither put me up on a pedestal nor resented me because others kept putting me up on one. I had the opportunity to get in touch tonight with a former member of this community--namely, Drew--and we did a quick catching up in the midst of my apologizing for him getting in the middle of this bullshit high school drama. It was a good thing, and like I said in the last post, I wish that it had been under better circumstances.

For people like him who have remained in this community, I have stuck around and tried to find corners of this place worth being involved in. Thus far to my knowledge, Hercules Invictus, Spira, and Dadoukhoi are the only non-drama inducing and generally all round good Hellenic orgs online and off that I have been involved with so far. I wish I could say that there were more. I wish we had more leaders and less followers. But truth be told, we are VERY small and of course are not going to have a lot in the way of varieties and flavors of organizations which have not been poisoned thus far by a bunch of tiara-seeking, histrionic sycophants.

I've been begged on and off again to start another org and I can't help but think to myself, "Why would I want to undergo that torture AGAIN?" I put up with enough shit right now; why put myself back into the spotlight? I gave it up for good reasons. I gave up my religious NAME to get away from all of that shit, from everything that people associated with me as Kyrene, and the whole nine yards.

I don't want to change who I am for these drama-seeking irritants, and I don't want to give up who I am for them, either. It always seems to me that one decision after another in regards to my identity in the religious community has been influenced in some way, shape or form by others in the community--and it shouldn't be. It should be influenced by the nudgings of my gods and my Agathos Daimon who sometimes masks himself as my inner voice of wisdom.

Sometimes it's hard to hear that voice over the noise of the drama, and when I can't hear that voice, I can't be who I truly am. I can only be someone who simply reacts to people around her under such circumstances, and I am not that person.

At some point I need to just sit down with myself and realize that yes, I'm hurt and still hurting. I've been hurt by too many people whom I have long realized only liked the person whom they wanted me to be and not who I really am. I have a list of names in my head who have disappointed, hurt, and even verbally abused me and in spite of my repeated attempts to reconcile continued to fire their venom.

I have no one to blame but myself if I continue to hang onto that, and only myself to blame if I wind up in that situation again as their continued enabler for their own personal drama and petty bullshit. It gives them a power they do not deserve, and in the end, I am no one's person but my own.

I think at some point tonight after I go on my eliptical this evening, I will be doing a serious, hardcore invocation to Dionysos tonight. I need to have a nice, good, long chat with him.
kyrene: (Default)
Drew actually contacted me back, so apparently Julia actually wasn't lying about that. I'm kinda glad because I missed chatting with the guy--but kinda sad because it's a shame he had to contact me under such circumstances.

Basically, I was right--the books WERE given to the Demos. I did not hallucinate about his intentions. But apparently he had sent a letter to the Prutaneis saying that should the Demos dissolve, the books should either go to another Demos or to the national body.

So, that left me with the following choices:

1) Don't give the books back, and deny Drew's wishes in that regard. I think he's suffered enough bullshit and drama without having to revisit this crap again anymore than he honestly has to, and I didn't want to go there.

2) Give the books to Julia.

3) Give the books to another member. The closest one besides Julia is in PA so that was out of the question.

4) Ship the books to someone. Given there are a couple of hundred, not feasible.

5) Rejoin Hellenion and start a proto-Demos, thus keeping the library in the Hellenion sphere. I sincerely doubt they'd accept my app if I did, so that option was out.

6) Get a friend to get the books off of my hands and give them back to Julia, preferably someone with a truck because I don't have small crates to put them in--only large boxes.


#6 won.

I know that many of you won't be happy by this, given the shit that she gave me and the continued "oathbreaker" and "liar" accusations. I'm doing this for Drew, not her. I happen to like Drew and think he got dragged into enough bullshit politics by dealing with this crap ON TOP OF what he dealt with when he left, so call me a compassionate soul.

It was interesting, thinking about rejoining Hellenion for even a few minutes. I'm not sure I would want to go back, nor if I would have anything to gain. I'd like to eventually reconcile with the people there at some point, but I don't think that they have it in them to do so. Julia clearly has issues of her own, as do a few of them there--and those particular individuals are all in positions of leadership.

Maybe the simplest approach is just to not deal with them at all. Personally, after this incident, I'm happier than ever that I left when I did, and I honestly can't believe that two years later I'm still getting dragged into their bullshit. At the same time, I'm also sad because it's a chapter in my life that I had high hopes for--maybe too high. Maybe I expected too much from the wrong kinds of people.
kyrene: (Default)
My reply to her latest email to me, which continues to call me a liar and claims that my contact info has been sent to Drew:




Julia,

I'm cc'ing the two others who have sent me your emails, as I'm done
with the secrecy bullshit behind my back.

Julia, you have been welcome for the past TWO YEARS to come by and
take those books, and you never once bothered. Two years is a more
than reasonable length of time, and when you didn't contact me about
them since August 22, 2005 (yes that was the last email exchange about
them), I had assumed that you had lost interest. Now you're
attempting to take them by force by pretending that I have denied your
request. I have ALL of the emails saved of our exchange, with
timestamps, and how I said "Yes, please, take them off my hands!
It'll be more space for me." I can send them to anyone who wishes to
see them for precisely what had occurred two years ago, as now
suddenly I'm an "oathbreaker" and a "liar".

Drew has two weeks to contact me to let me know that he has either
changed his mind about their destination (that they were meant for the
organization Hellenion and not the Demos itself), or I have somehow
misinterpreted his request, or I will be donating all of the books to
a used bookstore. Two weeks at this point after waiting *two years*
for you, Julia, is a more than reasonable length of time. If you are
really in contact with him, please let him know this. Feel free to
pass that information along to the Prutaneis as well, since they are
so concerned about this situation.




I am posting this publically because at this point, I have absolutely nothing to hide, and I'm done with her sneaking around with her cowardly threats behind my back. Drew has two weeks to contact me. If he's truly been in touch with her, I welcome renewing our contact as well as showing him all of the emails that took place in '05 in regards to this whole bullshit situation.
kyrene: (Default)
My reply to Julia's bullshit. If you're really sick of this drama already, feel free to skip.

my email... )
kyrene: (Default)
Understanding is a three edged sword. Your side, their side and the truth."
- Sheridan in Babylon 5



Fact: Drew Campbell gave me a ton of crates containing books as a donation to start a Demos library back in 2003.

Fact: I was the keeper of said library until the Demos' dissolution back in 2005, and the books have remained and continue to be in my possession.

Fact: I was contacted by a former member of the then-and-now defunct Demos asking to have some of the books.

Fact: I replied in return that I was in the process of moving and since I don't have enough space for all of them as far as shelving, they were welcome to pick up a box or two for themselves if they so desired.

Fact: Said individual never came.

Fact: People whom I knew produced emails from said individual which were essentially stabbing me in the back and talking negatively about me without bringing it to me personally.

Fact: I quietly dissolved contact with said individual, figuring that it was that person's loss anyway.

Fact: Almost two years later, said individual is now running around behind my back claiming that I "stole" the books, is calling me an oathbreaker, has invoked Themis against me and is claiming that she will have me arrested.

Fact: This person is a former President of Hellenion.

Fact: I have not received one email from this individual this whole time, and have heard about all of these accusations from the forwarded emails which have been received by me from people whom I know both online and off, swearing all sorts of legalities against me for not giving to her books which a) she has no legal claim over and b) were meant to be gifts to begin with.

Fact: I am sick to death of histrionic sycophants masquerading as good people in this community. You want the books, Julia? You contact me personally so I can tell you off face to face about what a two-faced scumbag you are. But as always, you never have the guts for confrontation. You are all talk, you with your accusations of "oathbreaking." By Apollo, I have sworn no oaths to you, sweetheart. I have, however, sworn an oath to be virtuous and compassionate at all times. I can easily turn around and sue you for character defamation, but I won't. I am a bigger person than that.

Edit: It gets better. According to her, Hellenion AND Drew will be sending me a letter with the legal threat enclosed.

PSA

Mar. 14th, 2007 09:12 am
kyrene: (Default)
If my LJ offends you so much, why do you read it?

If my opinions bother you so much, may I ask why they matter so much to you? Do they really hold that much weight in your worldview?

If you dislike me as much as you claim, then my opinions wouldn't be worth monkey dung.

It's very simple: if you don't like what I say, stop reading. I'm obviously not going to stop stating my opinion anytime soon, and so maybe it's best that you find a better hobby. Perhaps take up knitting or whatever.

It's worth noting that I have never given a damn what people think of me, nor do I plan to start anytime soon. I especially don't give a damn of people's opinions when the people in question do not have my respect.

Stuff maybe you should meditate on, perhaps.

Note: this obviously doesn't apply to anyone on my friends list.
kyrene: (Default)
This is my LJ.

These are my opinions.

If you don't like it, you can do the following:

1) Delete my messages on the list as opposed to replying with the usual histrionic "OMGS! How can you believe xyz oh nooooess!!!111" with subsequent personal attacks, childishness, and general bullshit the likes of which I thought I left behind when I graduated high school,

or

2) You can, like, not read my LJ,

or

3) BOTH!

It's really quite simple.

:)
kyrene: (Default)
Today's Taurus forecast from cainer.com:

People say and do the most ridiculous things. They act out dramas. They play out roles. They adopt attitudes and they take up stances. They throw themselves into their parts, they nurture and nurse their opinions - and they deny fiercely that they have ever thought or felt anything different to what they think and feel now. And then they wonder why the world is so full of intransigent people! Life is now urging you to put something down, let something go, move something on.

No kidding...

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Kyrene

September 2010

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