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[personal profile] kyrene
I realize I haven't posted here and in many places for a very long time. I'm taking a nice, deep breath and reposting an email I just sent to HellenicPagan as to why.

This is the hardest email I've ever had to write, but I have to come forward.

First of all, I'd like to give a warm welcome to the two new co-mods. I'm sorry you had to come in at a time like this, and I'm hoping to be able to make that up to you down the road. Some of you got a warning that I would send this particular email and some of you have not. I'd like to start keeping in touch with you all as often as we can. It used to be just Dan, Bronto and me for a while and we were all in touch with one another on a regular basis--and I think that was taken for granted.

Now to the hard part.

Some of you may be aware that I removed Brontosproximo as a co-mod on this list. He is also now on moderated status. Many of you know he was my best friend for many years, but what few of you know is why we are no longer friends. I'm going to try to describe what happened as succinctly as possible, so please bear with me.

Last July we met up at his place the week before I was due to start my new job. Alcohol was present, and he consumed more than his fair share. He suggested going for a walk, which we did. He then started making physical overtures towards me. I tried to get away, but he kept grabbing my wrist, kept trying to shove his hands down my pants. Over and over again he kept telling me if he were "any less of a man", I'd "be on the ground with my legs in the air" and I "wouldn't be able to do anything about it."

I was scared shitless. We were alone, late at night. And he's a second degree black belt. I don't think I need to say much more than that.

I was both sober and lucky. After repeatedly telling him he needed to get home to his nearest and dearest, I finally managed to get into my car. He almost didn't let me leave, but thankfully I succeeded in doing so. It took me a week to process what had happened to me before I confronted him on email. That man was my best friend for years. He had the copy of my house key and knew I had been date raped in the past and by someone who also had too much to drink before locking me in the bathroom and refusing to let me go until I met his demands. In short, this wasn't my first incident and my trust had been betrayed and violated on multiple, multiple levels.

Shortly after that, I left Hercules Invictus and didn't say why. I also took a rather lengthy leave from this community without much of an announcement; I withdrew from pretty much everything and everyone, including friends online and off. I am still processing what happened. I received a series of text messages from him maybe a month or so prior that I should've taken as a red flag but didn't. I naively thought someone who had been my best friend and supposedly swore oaths to protect women would never, ever do what he did to me. I thought I knew him better than anyone. I'm sure people here are more shocked than I am given they only knew the persona he projected on the Internet. But people need to know the truth: someone is here who claims to have sworn oaths to protect women has sexually assaulted a woman who was at the time his best friend. If he did it to me, he could do it to anyone. Heck, it can happen to anyone here under any circumstances. That is why I'm stepping forward; I can't be silent anymore. I'm only aiding the problem to exist and continue by staying quiet.

I am bcc'ing a few people whom I should've told from the start. I do not expect forgiveness for being silent for so long. All I can say is that I'm sorry. I was too fucked up and too scared for a long, long time and was afraid to come forward, afraid I wouldn't be believed, afraid of harassment, afraid it would just get worse. Please, even if you can't forgive me for keeping quiet, at least understand the mindset I was in--and in a lot of ways still am. I was scared of burdening people with this information, terrified of the drama fallout, and I'll readily admit to having left social groups and esoteric initiatory orders under similar circumstances without saying why. I now deeply regret it. I have let fear rule me for too long and will undoubtedly pay the price for it if I haven't already.

Most of us in this community only know each other online. We meet in the hopes of finding like-minded people. Sometimes we get burned in the process of reaching out and trying to trust people. I would like to start something, and start something NOW. If *anyone* is in the position where they are made to feel uncomfortable, where their personal boundaries are being violated--it does NOT have to be sexual, I have been stalked in the past by people here due to my identity alone--please come forward and tell me. I promise to keep whatever you say in the strictest of confidence and to help in any way I can, even if just to listen without judgment, to just be an ear. No one should have to feel afraid to speak up or feel as I did, that I had no one to turn to in a community which is supposed to be here to serve our spiritual needs. There needs to be SOMETHING for this, some sort of community watch/support group and if anyone would like to assist me in this endeavor, please email me privately. I tried to start something similar on behalf of Artemis after my date rape, but it fizzled.

If you made it this far, I thank you for listening. Even if you don't know what to say to me or how to say it, just listening is enough. Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't come forward sooner, but I just didn't have the strength to do it. I have it now, if nothing else. Yes, I am strongly considering going for therapy, as in 95% certain I will. If there's anyone in the Boston area who knows of a pagan or pagan-friendly therapist, please send me your recommendations.

If anyone has any questions which they would like me to answer, I ask for you to please ask them of me in private email. I am also available for chat on IM or Facebook.

I'm honestly terrified of pressing that send key, but I'm going to do it now. Gods help me.


I'm sorry I stayed quiet for so long but was afraid of drama fallout and retribution. I've had all of one appallingly negative response so far and he's been banned from the list. I don't get my culture nor people who claim to be human and don't act like it.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-19 06:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Sup. You don't know me, I found you through [ profile] daeron. You don't need to apologize for taking your time talking about this. It's your experience and talking about if, when and how you'd talk about it is up to you because it's so personal, especially since society is so hostile to survivors of assault. Your reaction is pretty darn understandable, actually.

I hope you're okay. I have some Boston friends who may know a pagan-friendly therapist. I'll ask around if you want.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-20 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] know you, actually. You're on my magick lj, or at least you were. I'll have to check but I'm almost positive of it. :)

I appreciate your support, thank you. *hugs* And yes, I'd like that. I'll be asking around too.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-20 01:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Pleasure to meet you ... again :) Good luck, I'll start asking.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-20 01:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

And I'm going to check that lj. I posted a few entries there past few days but it's my first time in rather a long while.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-23 03:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Cool. I added you if it's ok, if not I can take you back off. I don't know what your other journal was - I took off a lot of people I didn't know a while back due to a security breach, so I know I removed a lot of otherwise nice people but whom I just didn't know at the time.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-23 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[ profile] sol_et_luna :) I was part of that removal, looks like. I comprehend privacy issues all too well and you're welcome to just add this one, the other, or both. Entirely up to you!

I'll add you in return.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-20 12:27 am (UTC)
ext_2996: Modern Parvati, Dancing with extended fingernails (Default)
From: [identity profile]
I am thankful that the majority of responses so far have been supportive.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-20 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Gods, me too. :(

(this is alexandra from brazil)

Date: 2010-07-20 09:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First of all, it's your journal, you have the right to write about anything you want without apologizing. Second, it's a good catharsis to talk about this kind of things, I wish I had with whom to do it when I had similar situations (yes, more than one) in my life, but I had to wait till grow up. Third, by breaking the silence you help to stop the impunity and to show such "manlike" behaviors are not to be supported or thought to be normal; besides your words being probably useful to other girls who know him. I totally admire your courage to expose what happened and I like you even more now.

I remember his nick in the lists you've mentioned, but I've never tried to get to know him or talk to him and I don't know how he looks like, but I felt fond of you since the beginning. Thank Gods I have this good "nose" for people/friends, *g*.

We live very far away from each other and I'm not attending as psychotherapist anymore, but if you want to talk on-line, feel free to ask. :) And congratulations again for being brave and honest!

Re: (this is alexandra from brazil)

Date: 2010-07-20 10:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs* Thank you so, so much. The amount of support I've received about this is way above and beyond what I had expected, and I'm both floored and deeply touched...and grateful. I agonized over this for two separate seven hour car rides and went over and over again what I would say in the email. The end result was as succinct as I could get but with as much detail as I needed.

There's no good way to do this, and this particular individual was the absolute dead last I had expected this from. :(

And will do. I welcome IM chats with peeps, and all sorts of individuals have come out of the woodwork to talk to me about their own experiences. Selfishly speaking I'm glad I'm not alone, but it's terrifying how common this is. D:

Re: (this is alexandra from brazil)

Date: 2010-07-21 04:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've added your Windows Live IM (MSN) yesterday on my contacts list, if it's still this one in your LJ profile.

Today I've read a meditation that Hector posted yesterday and I thought you could like, it's from the Erinyes/Eumenides:

It's truly terrifying how common this is, but I hope people never get used to such things.

Take care... *hugs*


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September 2010

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